You Look At Me When I'm Puking!!!

Hilarious rantings of a 20 something college student.

Dec 7

Stripper Pong

Living in an apt. in Las Vegas with two twenty something dudes (both in the same frat at UNLV) is sometimes an adventure. The other night turned out to be one such night. One of my roommates (Uno) and I decided that we should probably do something for the birthday weekend of our other roommate DJ. Now DJ is just that a dj who books events and works at casinos and clubs all around Las Vegas so on this particular night he had a gig. Do you think that stopped us? No way. So me and Uno devise a plan to furiously clean and party proof our our two story apt. so when DJ gets back we can throw a raging party for him. Slowly people start to filter in and the night is beginning to pick up, starting with beer pong in the kitchen and people are starting to get antsy. Me and Uno, the great party hosts we are, quickly switch to the largest game of two team flip cup I have ever seen. There had to have been at least 10 people on both teams with spectators cheering us on. Now remember DJ still isn’t back yet. As people get progressively shit faced the man of the hour shows up, in total disbelief. Congrats are thrown around and he starts drinking with everyone and otherwise having a great time. Hukas are brought out and things are looking good when I start to question my two roommates and a few friends about the two hottest girls at the party, who seem to be friends. I am quickly informed by one such friend that they are in the dance program at UNLV and work as strippers. As you can imagine, I was quite intrigued. So after talking to them outside in our courtyard for a bit I decide to challenge them to a game of beer pong, talking more shit than I probably should have. They of course accept and forever this night will go down in the history books as the night I played three games of beer pong against legitimate strippers. DJ’s birthday was a success and you can only imagine the types of distractions ones team would get playing beer pong with gorgeous strippers. I can now die happy.


Sep 15

The Ole Puke Box

A long long time ago, well not really but I like that intro, I attended my first work inter department mixer. We should probably just call it what it really was, this was a party. A fucking EPIC party that will go down in history. I had only just started my new job and me and my best friend Uno, who if you’ve been following this at all you know from before got ready to head over after work. Uno had been working there longer than me and therefore knew way more people than I did, but that was fine with me because we had fifth to get to know REALLY well before the action started. In my experience it never hurts to pre-game a little. So we show up to the house where the party was to be held a little early, around 5:30 to start getting soused with the owner and maybe two other people. Now our guest of honor this evening was the always faithful captain morgan and it just so happened one of the other gracious ladies there also offered up her Jagermeister. This was shaping up to be a great night. I guess a little too great. Within an hour me and Uno killed our fifth and more before too many people show up. Maybe twenty minutes after this has happened I blacked out, barely remember anything. So the following is what i was told occurred. Yes, readers, this is the good part. In making my way out of the kitchen, my drinking shrine, i proceed into the living room where music is playing and people are conversing having a good time when I lose all body function and face plant straight onto the living room floor. Now I know a few of you might be thinking holy shit concussion, maybe I died. Who knows. But rest assured by this point more of my friends have arrived and they drag me onto the couch in my drunken stupor. Well it gets better. About fifteen minutes go by and I decide its a good idea to pull my head over the edge of the couch and puke all over the floor. Biggest shit show ever. Not only do i not know most of these people but I have to see them at work for the next 3 months. I would love to add at this point in time Uno is tackling folding chairs in the back yard. Ya, we are that kind of fucked up. So thankfully my amazing friends take me over their shoulders and place me on one of the folding chairs Uno has been tackling in his drunken haze and plant me firmly in the middle of the back yard, in case i start to puke again. Now completely unaware, and in and out of my blackout haze I am sitting in a co-workers back yard after face planting on the floor and throwing up all over the living room floor. A spectacle to see people are now coming outside just to catch a glimpse of this warlock, pointing and laughing, which I very much deserved. To help clean the living room one friend has scooped my large pile of vomit off of the carpet into an empty beer box and places it beside me in the middle of the lawn. A few more minutes pass by and in my fragile state I notice this box beside me, which I believe to hold the elixir of life. A cool frosty brew to quench my thirst. In I reach. To my surprise my hand plunges into a puddle of my own vomit. Out I pull my hand, hold it five inches from my face chuckle, wipe puke hand on my pants, and fall out the other side of my chair onto the lawn. Don’t worry I’m almost done but not yet. Yes, one of the most embarrassing moments of my life. So at this point I decide I want to leave, but theres a problem. I didn’t drive but I have no idea where Uno is. So I decide the next best thing for me to do is go wait by his car. So i crawl/stumble to his car and curl up in a ball in front of his car. Time goes by, i have no idea exactly how long and one of Uno’s friends offers us a ride back to his parents house where they place me on a couch in his garage so his parents won’t find me and drive back to the party. Now, I must warn you that if you ever try to recreate the stunts you have just read about you may injure yourself. If you think you won’t get shit at work for it, your wrong. Nicknamed the puker for the rest of the summer I just had to laugh and shrug it off. So ended yet another amazing and partially brain dead adventure.

Lesson: Do not overly drink at any sort of after work event unless you want to A get fired or B never ever live it down.


Apr 27

Are You Ready For This?

So we gear up for another adventure in the wonderful city of Spokane. Our good friend, Amy, wanted to visit Uno and Moses in Spokane, so she made the long, tiring trip. Also, joining Amy for this fun fiasco was her best friend Tanya. Not one to get too many visitors, Uno is more than welcoming to his guests. The night kicks off with some conversation, flirtation, and why not— (pause for dramatic effect)— drinking. Earlier we established that Moses, the kind, gentle, and relatively unaware of the real world, was not a drinker, so of course he plopped himself firmly on the sofa and let the TV take him to another place. Ten feet away, a hilarious game of shot roulette was taking place. Amy, Tanya, and Uno were all ready to make the most of their night, and a concoction we all know as squirmy (vodka/Kool-Aid), steadily streams into each of them like an IV of intoxication. The three of them pass the time conversing and getting absolutely blasted. After this has gone on for a considerable amount of time, both of the lovely ladies decide that they could and probably should no longer drink. Not thinking this was unacceptable, Uno begs them to at least finish the game—and they do, with one exception: Uno must drink half of all their drinks. Fair enough. So they finish the game, at which point in time Moses decides to turn in for the night. Uno, Amy, and Tanya all get cozy on the couch and put in a movie to end the night. Can anyone see where this is going? Amy, the tiniest of them all, quickly dozes off in front of the TV—and then there was two. One thing leads to another and in the heat of the moment, Uno damn-near blacked out, decides to make the most of his intoxicated state and starts to make out with Tanya. Tanya thinks it would be a better idea if they watch a movie in his room, in case Amy wakes up. The couple moves into the bedroom where Uno shows Tanya where she can pick out a movie and plops himself onto his bed. She makes her selection and soon they begin to make out again. The movie rolls on and, somehow, Uno can’t keep his eyes open. He opens them again only, to his astonishment, only to witness Tanya, who has somehow stripped him of his boxers and is in the process of sucking on his testies! Tanya, realizing Uno has jolted awake asks him one question and one question alone: “Are you ready for this?” Uno, very much confused, replies: “Wha?! Ready for what?!” But as you can imagine there is really only one thing left to do. The sultry sexcapades that quickly ensue are one for the record books. Twisting, contorting, and pleasing the two young sex kittens plow and plow and plow. Moaning would be an understatement as the vocal Tanya doesn’t hold anything back; it is surprising the neighbors did not come put an end to the fun. Starting in the bedroom but soon finding itself in the shower, back to the bedroom, and once again back to the shower. Although the second trip to the shower takes a turn for the worse, Tanya decides to reach for the shower curtain rod to steady herself and rips it down. Water gushes from the shower all over the bathroom. The two panic for a brief second but keep going at it. They finish and turn off the shower, only to run back to Uno’s room. Uno, not wanting to wake the whole apt.— although certain he has—puts some clothes on and leaves to check on Amy. Amy is wide awake and on a computer in the living room. They greet one another and Amy asks if Uno has any idea where Moses is. Uno thinks this an odd question and answers in his room. Amy replies, no Moses left. Now everyone reading this might think “Oh well”. But Moses has a little problem with sleep walking. I could not make this up, pure truth. Uno knows this and still, in a semi drunken stupor, decides it is his duty to search for his lost friend. Running outside, he realizes Moses’ car is gone and this could be a very bad thing. So Amy volunteers to go try and find the lost, possibly dead roommate. After phone calls with no response and driving around for about an hour, they finally decide to give up and hope for the best. The funniest part about this whole story is depicted in the following: Moses awakens from his sleep to hear a loud moaning from the room right next to his. He listens for a few more minutes and he is horrified to hear Uno balls-deep in Tanya. Panicking, our Christian friend frantically makes a few phone calls for advice. The first call he makes is to yours truly. I answer the phone and tell him to stop being such a baby. If it really bugs him he should go knock on the door and tell them to keep it down. Other options are headphones or last, but not least, just go somewhere else. After reviewing his options and being too scared to knock on the door, but too uncomfortable to stay, he leaves to a friend’s house about 15 minutes away. The phone call could best be described as hilarious because of the state of my good friend. He absolutely does not have any idea what to do and probably thought it was a sin just being there, but most of all he is horrified of sex. The next morning everything is sorted out and the story now lives on.

 

Lesson: Sex is real, there’s no avoiding it, and if you have a roommate you may want to make your presence scarce.


Apr 17

Oh Shit

Being from Washington State, born and raised, I have a lot of friends there. Before I made my daring escape from that same state to the illuminating city of Las Vegas but before that happened I spent my freshman year in college in Washington. For the next sequence of events the city of beautiful Spokane is our setting. After a long time apart from my cohort, I took a little trip to the city of Spokane to visit my good friend Uno. About halfway through the school year I took this opportunity to blow off some steam with a few good friends. Also joining us for this new adventure are Tiger and a few friends of mine you may not yet know, we will call them Moses and Jarhead. Now at this moment in time our dear friend Uno is rooming with Moses and attending a very non-prestigious junior college. Time for a little background on Moses. About 6’1” and best described as skinny, our dear friend Moses (whom me and Uno have known for years) is the ideal Christian type. Short of calling our friend a bible thumper, the one thing that gets us the most about our dear friend is that he has this way of making everyone else feel a little like he believes he’s right about everything. Introduce Jarhead. Last on our list of introductions Jarhead is a friend of ours whom is destined for military service. A good ole country boy Jarhead (putting it lightly) just likes to have a good time. As our story unfolds all four of us new to the freedoms of college are about to have the night of our lives. As we all gather in Uno and Moses’ apartment it seems the proper thing to do would be to have a few drinks :). Getting thoroughly sloshed Uno and Tiger proceed to drink a concoction of vodka and Kool-Aid henceforth nicknamed squirmy. Now Moses being the very proper religious person he is decides he better not drink or no one will be able to tend the wounded and hold down the fort. As for myself I try to take about one drink to Tiger and Uno’s two to not wanting to get ahead of myself just yet. You might notice that someone is missing out of this equation, Jarhead. Well Jarhead is heading for a life of military service and wants to celebrate his enlistment by sporting his very own fifth of Jack Daniels. As the night progresses with loud music, drinking, and brotherly bonding somehow this whole night gets blown way out of hand. Guzzling just a little too much of his whiskey Jarhead eventually collapses in the middle of the floor in the living room of said two bedroom apartment. Arms and legs extended, flat on his back we laugh historically at our wounded army buddy. His drunken state quickly turns into a fountain of hurl that spews at least two feet into the air. SHIT! is all anyone is thinking at this point as Jarhead is laying covered in a puddle of vomit. Uno suggests that we take the unconscious Jarhead and place him in the bathroom tub. All of us fairly drunk and Moses not objecting Uno and Tiger drag the limp body of our fallen friend into the tub. Covered in vomit and unconscious we leave Jarhead in the tub and continue with the festivities. Moses proceeds to be most angry with Uno for inviting him in the first place as he tries to remedy the mess that has been made in the middle of his living room. After a few more drinks we decide to visit our good friend in the bathroom again. Smelling the horrible stench upon entry Uno decides to wash a bit of it off of him by turning on the facet. WOOOAAA!!! Jarhead is awakened with the stinging cold of the water and tries to free himself from the tub. Reasoning with a drunken idiot is never easy and being drunk ourselves, Uno and Tiger spring into action. Uno: Tiger! Hold him down!! As Uno turns the water to hot poor jarhead is now scalded with hot water. Thrashing around he cuts his foot and leg on the facet and is now bleeding. Tiger: Uno! Help me! As Tiger cries for help Uno quits messing with the faucet and they both try to hold jarhead in the tub. Frustrating as this looks its fucking hilarious and all I can do is stare. Frustrated the following leads to one of the most awfully horrifying sites I have ever come to witness. Tired and pissed Uno takes a stand. Uno: Tiger, fucking knock his ass out! With a glance from Tiger to Uno, Tiger takes one hand off Jarhead and with one right hook, decks Jarhead in the face and knocks him out cold. Everyone shocked at this point we take a second to recompose ourselves only to notice the hot water still running but now its beginning to stink. Much to our surprise and horror a murky brown stream is now coming from under Jarhead. The hot water flowing, knocked out cold, our companion has shit himself. Laughing until we cannot breathe, with side splitting, gut wrenching agony we turn off the water and leave our friend in peace. The night only continues until we cannot drink anymore and we too pass out. Uno awakes in the morning to find Jarhead buck ass naked on his couch. Just another day in the life of one 20 something college student.

Lessons: 1. Don’t drink until you vomit. 2. Don’t make your friends angry enough to knock you out (for a second time). 3. Sometimes bad things come out of the best of intentions. 4. Keep tuning in.


Apr 8

Mr. Listerine

Where to begin. The city of sin, some would call it, is where I spent a good deal of time in college. For certain reasons this city had a powerful way of drawing my friends from out of state into my new backyard. On one such occasion a good friend of mine from California decided to make a long drive to Las Vegas to visit. For the sake of this story and those to follow, we can call him Tiger. Me and my roommate, who we will call Uno, were over joyed to see him finally coming to town. On that note let the drinking begin. So as our night begins in our blurry haze of confusion we gamble a little and drink at lot. Hey its Vegas, why not? After a while this starts to get old and we try our luck at getting into a club where a close friend of ours works. I don’t know if you have ever tried this in Las Vegas but three guys (while even on the guest list) cannot get past a 280 pound bouncer that thinks he is Zeus himself. So after being denied our entrance to this renowned night club, the night is young and while the shimmery lights of the strip never seem to fade there are plenty of other options to consider. Tiger decides that if hes in Vegas, tits are a must for his experience. We all know where this is going and its probably straight to hell. A strip club. We three amigos promptly head to valet and take a limo to lets call it Bob’s Cabaret. As we arrive it’s once again straight to the bar. With a couple of free drinks to continue our buzz we find a few seats along the outside edge of this den of lovely, almost naked vixen. After downing yet another rum and coke its looking about time I use the head. By the time I return my fine companions have purchased for me my first ever lap dance. After having enjoyed this short lived moment in time Uno and Tiger head to the stage. Drinks in hand and pockets full of one dollar bills, and stripper pole in sight this night is beginning to shape up. All alone I bide my time with a few more dances from the likes of “Candy” or “Electra” and find myself out of cash, as most college students might. I find Uno a few minutes later stumbling in a daze from what we later find out is a mixture of straight whiskey and straight vodka from the bar. Now penniless, we make our way outside only to remember we are missing our amigo Tiger. I go back inside and pry him from the clutches of the evil demon temptress that has drained him of probably close to 200 dollars. We quickly grab a cab back to our car at a nearby hotel and head home. Uno ,pale in complexion, has been eerily quiet for far too long. After a bit of prodding decides to unfold a series of events that depict what really happened to him in the time he was MIA. Tiger passed out on his arm in the passenger seat, is almost to the blacked out point of vomiting and will sadly not remember any of this conversation the next day. This leaves only me to take in the story of a life time, in which soulless strippers had severely violated my companion. I will spare the weak of stomach most of the grotesque details but sear your brains forever with the mental images of rectal stimulation and the face of our proud hero danger close to some stripper snatch. My sides in stitches we return home where I try haul what feels like 300 pounds of my sad friend Tiger up the stairs to our apartment. After dropping him down about three concrete stairs (not that he can feel a thing) and with ready help from Uno I manage to get him inside. Trying to wind down from out drunken haze we grab a few snack wraps from McDonald’s and plop ourselves firmly in front of a few TV shows. Conversation comes back to the previous hours of our adventurous lives and i decide it might be a good idea to get Uno some mouth wash. Returning from my bathroom with a small glass of Listerine I plop down next to him once again passing on to him this magic elixir. Continuing our late night TV-athalon I turn to Uno only to see him pouring the small glass of mouth wash down his pants. Trying to hide my disbelief I ask what in the hell he’s doing. He provides, as best he can, his logic in this bizarre move. He informs me that he decided it would be better put to use down there then in his mouth. Not wanting to argue we continue to watch our show for the next I’d guess, about five minutes. Then with an agonizing scream of pain and a very loud OH FUCK! Uno jumps from the couch topples over a chair and mid sprint strips off his pants en rout to the bathroom. Bewildered and some what curious I follow him to the bathroom where I see my roommate viciously scrubbing his balls and screaming in pain. Shirt on and yes, socks still on, door wide open he tells me it burns with an intensity that no man should ever have to endure. Literally in tears laughing on the ground I concluded one very unforgettable lesson that night; never, ever, for any reason, pour Listerine on your balls.

Lesson: Never pour Listerine on your balls.


Things You Encounter Or Learn In College (Hopefully)

There are many things that one learns in college that aren’t necessarily taught in a classroom. This blog is my attempt make you laugh and possibly cry at the hilarious, insane, and definitely stupid antics of me and those I surround myself with. I hope you enjoy this tiny glimpse into the life of myself and those around me. Here is to drinking, here is to higher learning, and here is to the twisted social lives and situations that I am involved in.