Are You Ready For This?
So we gear up for another adventure in the wonderful city of Spokane. Our good friend, Amy, wanted to visit Uno and Moses in Spokane, so she made the long, tiring trip. Also, joining Amy for this fun fiasco was her best friend Tanya. Not one to get too many visitors, Uno is more than welcoming to his guests. The night kicks off with some conversation, flirtation, and why not— (pause for dramatic effect)— drinking. Earlier we established that Moses, the kind, gentle, and relatively unaware of the real world, was not a drinker, so of course he plopped himself firmly on the sofa and let the TV take him to another place. Ten feet away, a hilarious game of shot roulette was taking place. Amy, Tanya, and Uno were all ready to make the most of their night, and a concoction we all know as squirmy (vodka/Kool-Aid), steadily streams into each of them like an IV of intoxication. The three of them pass the time conversing and getting absolutely blasted. After this has gone on for a considerable amount of time, both of the lovely ladies decide that they could and probably should no longer drink. Not thinking this was unacceptable, Uno begs them to at least finish the game—and they do, with one exception: Uno must drink half of all their drinks. Fair enough. So they finish the game, at which point in time Moses decides to turn in for the night. Uno, Amy, and Tanya all get cozy on the couch and put in a movie to end the night. Can anyone see where this is going? Amy, the tiniest of them all, quickly dozes off in front of the TV—and then there was two. One thing leads to another and in the heat of the moment, Uno damn-near blacked out, decides to make the most of his intoxicated state and starts to make out with Tanya. Tanya thinks it would be a better idea if they watch a movie in his room, in case Amy wakes up. The couple moves into the bedroom where Uno shows Tanya where she can pick out a movie and plops himself onto his bed. She makes her selection and soon they begin to make out again. The movie rolls on and, somehow, Uno can’t keep his eyes open. He opens them again only, to his astonishment, only to witness Tanya, who has somehow stripped him of his boxers and is in the process of sucking on his testies! Tanya, realizing Uno has jolted awake asks him one question and one question alone: “Are you ready for this?” Uno, very much confused, replies: “Wha?! Ready for what?!” But as you can imagine there is really only one thing left to do. The sultry sexcapades that quickly ensue are one for the record books. Twisting, contorting, and pleasing the two young sex kittens plow and plow and plow. Moaning would be an understatement as the vocal Tanya doesn’t hold anything back; it is surprising the neighbors did not come put an end to the fun. Starting in the bedroom but soon finding itself in the shower, back to the bedroom, and once again back to the shower. Although the second trip to the shower takes a turn for the worse, Tanya decides to reach for the shower curtain rod to steady herself and rips it down. Water gushes from the shower all over the bathroom. The two panic for a brief second but keep going at it. They finish and turn off the shower, only to run back to Uno’s room. Uno, not wanting to wake the whole apt.— although certain he has—puts some clothes on and leaves to check on Amy. Amy is wide awake and on a computer in the living room. They greet one another and Amy asks if Uno has any idea where Moses is. Uno thinks this an odd question and answers in his room. Amy replies, no Moses left. Now everyone reading this might think “Oh well”. But Moses has a little problem with sleep walking. I could not make this up, pure truth. Uno knows this and still, in a semi drunken stupor, decides it is his duty to search for his lost friend. Running outside, he realizes Moses’ car is gone and this could be a very bad thing. So Amy volunteers to go try and find the lost, possibly dead roommate. After phone calls with no response and driving around for about an hour, they finally decide to give up and hope for the best. The funniest part about this whole story is depicted in the following: Moses awakens from his sleep to hear a loud moaning from the room right next to his. He listens for a few more minutes and he is horrified to hear Uno balls-deep in Tanya. Panicking, our Christian friend frantically makes a few phone calls for advice. The first call he makes is to yours truly. I answer the phone and tell him to stop being such a baby. If it really bugs him he should go knock on the door and tell them to keep it down. Other options are headphones or last, but not least, just go somewhere else. After reviewing his options and being too scared to knock on the door, but too uncomfortable to stay, he leaves to a friend’s house about 15 minutes away. The phone call could best be described as hilarious because of the state of my good friend. He absolutely does not have any idea what to do and probably thought it was a sin just being there, but most of all he is horrified of sex. The next morning everything is sorted out and the story now lives on.
Lesson: Sex is real, there’s no avoiding it, and if you have a roommate you may want to make your presence scarce.